Letter to the Family

Brandon Figliolino

Letter to the Family

December 11, 2015

Heyyyyy everyone! It’s Meg-han! I know it’s been forever since we’ve talked. Life is just so crazy, ya know? I was trying to think of a good way to tell you all what’s happened this year without losing my voice. Then, it came to me! I’ve seen this idea floating around Pinterest lately, and so I thought, why not do it? I’m a writer, and a pretty dang good one! That’s right, everyone! I’m talking about my very own Christmas letterrrrr!!!

I’ve seen so so many great ideas! Some letters are done in the shape of—wait for it—CHRISTMAS TREES! Can you believe it? Ugh. I’m so jelly. No way could I do that with my letter. I’ve decided to stick to the basic month-by-month approach because it’s tried and true, ya know?

This is actually my second try at this letter. My first letter was all typed out in Franklin Gothic Medium font on this glittery paper I found at the craft store. Can you say adorbs?? It had a Santa Claus and little elves and reindeer on the borders. Well worth the money, if you ask me!

Anyways, I told my mom about this idea. She FLIPPED.  *cue hand gesture* “You can’t tell people about that stuff, Meghan! Keep your damn mouth shut!”  *cue finger-pointing* I don’t listen well, so I printed them and put them in envelopes with stamps and addressed them and everything. Mom came over for dinner with dad that day. I put the letters in my car to take to the post office because I don’t trust the mailbox in the apartment complex. My BFF Becky had her credit card stolen! Can you believe that? RUDE!!

I tried to cook pasta for dinner but burnt it, so dad ordered a pizza. After we had dinner, and mom and dad left, I went downstairs to the car and gasped! My letters were gone! I forgot to lock the car and poof! They vanished. So did my iPod! It turns out, mom saw them on the passenger seat and took them and pushed them through a paper shredder, but she kept the iPod so she could listen to Jay-Z during her aerobics class. *cue hand gesture* “You will NOT embarrass this family, Meghan! Don’t you dare make us the black sheep!” she told me.  *cue finger-pointing* “I’m off to jazzercise class; we’ll talk about this later.”

Well, guess what, mom? YOU OWE ME STAMP MONEY! Oh, and I just decided to post this letter on Facebook so EVERYONE can read it. Friends. Family. EVERYONE! Mom doesn’t know my password, so hahahaha! I win! #iamsmarterthanallyallbitches.

So here goes noth-ing! I hope you like my snapshot of 2015, everyone!!!!

January

January started off really rough, guys. Like, when you have dry hands and cracked skin kind of rough. On New Year’s Eve, I was out in downtown Topeka with Nicco. I thought it’d be cute if I’d buy him dinner at the Olive Garden, you know, since I just got a $25.00 bonus for the holidays at JC Penny’s where I work. He LOVED IT! He kept refusing, but I gave the money to the waitress and told her not to give it back unless he attacked her. He was so taken back by my kindness in front of his friends!! We finished our unlimited breadsticks and drove to the club. Poor guy forgot his cash, so he asked me to pay the $40.00 to park the car. He was so grateful when I did, cause I’m so nice and stuff, and he’s so grateful and stuff. Well, when we got into the club, I wanted to dance so so badly, but he said he was like really shy and embarrassed and stuff. He went to a corner with his friends so I danced by myself and when the clock struck midnight, I looked over and guess what? HE WAS KISSING SOME OTHER TWAT!!!!!! He said it was his sister, and since he’s Italian, they’re very intimate. I told him she looked Asian in the eyes and went off in a huff, after I pretended to throw a drink on him. I was super dramatic and everyone laughed at him as I left. Luckily, the night wasn’t totally spoiled, because this cute guy in ripped overalls saw me in distress and offered to put down his cigarette long enough for me to get a New Year’s kiss. Can you say RO-MAN-TIC???

February

I found my true love this month, everyone!! Can you BELIEVE IT!? Neither could I! Before you ask, it wasn’t the guy from January; he’s back in jail for grand theft auto now (totes sad because he had a hot bod!!), and it DEFINITELY wasn’t that lying, ungrateful sister-kissing Nicco. Nope, I met the most amazing guy at a FOOTBALL PARTY! I don’t even like football! Honestly, I went just to get drunk, but then I met Trayvon and we didn’t really hit it off at all. When I got home, he Facebooked me and showed me his dick on Snapchat and we talked and talked and exchanged photos and then we went on a date to a fancy restaurant, but the restaurant was sold out, so we went to McDonald’s instead. You won’t believe what he does! He is a FUNERAL DIRECTOR! Can you believe it? He directs funerals. I fell in love with someone who touches dead people all day!  But it’s okay, cause he said he washes his hands a lot and doesn’t touch dead babies and stuff. When it came time for Valentine’s Day, he took me to see Fifty Shades of Grey. That is SUCH a great movie! Like, the plot is just perfect! I can totes relate! I know she and Christian are going to find true love eventually, just like Trayvon and I did!!!!! #youretherightsharkforme.

March

There really wasn’t much that happened in March, aside from my BIRTHDAY!! Woo hoo! I turned twenty-five! Ugh, I feel like such a dinosaur, you know? Except not as old as the guys who hit on me at the club. Can you say, OLD MAN?? Pretty soon I’m going to like be forced to wear pushup bras and halter  tops and stuff just to get attention. Ick! Oh, well. Haha. We had a small par-tay at Trayvon’s place for my b-day. Heyyyyy!! See that? I just RHYMED! #totesgoodwriterandstuff.  I tried to bake a cake and burnt it, but we had wine so it didn’t taste bad. Afterwards, we went swimming. The pool was locked, so we climbed over the fence. I am such a good acrobat! I didn’t even hurt myself once! It was such a great birthday month, for sure! Mom and dad and Amber (my adorbs sis) and Taylor (my cool bro) were off in Europe during the whole month, so I didn’t get to see them, but it’s totes cool because Trayvon and I had SEXXXXXXXXX!

April

In April, I decided that I needed a vacay. I had been working really hard at JC Penny’s—cashiering is hard work and people can be mean!!!  One lady threw a shoe at me because it wasn’t her size. A SHOE?! Like, honey, I can’t help with that, you need to take it up with the Good Lord and stuff. Anyways, I was sleepy and bored and tired of working 20 hours a week, so I took some time off and went on a vacation to…..NEBRASKA! I’ve always wanted to go to a state that started with the letter “N,” so Nebraska it was! I walked around a little town and even had dinner at their local Subway restaurant by myself. I Skyped Trayvon every day of the two day trip, and I made sure to constantly update my Twitter, Facebook, and Instagram with EVERYTHING that happened! Can you believe I saw a raccoon once?? A RAC-COON! In a GARBAGE CAN! Totes adorb! I Snapchatted that one to like a billion people. The trip was like so so much fun, but I ended up coming home early because I ran out of money, but it’s coo cause it was still fun cow-tipping and drinking whiskey with strangers that one night!

May

I got carried away in May…just kidding! Nothing really happened this month, besides me joining the coolest knitting club in Kansas: the Kanas Knitting Club! It had fifteen people! I met my new best friend there! Her name is Rita. She loves the color orange. I worked really hard and knit a napkin for every member of my immediate family. They aren’t orange because I hate the color orange, but they are going to have everyone’s initials on them like the fancy pillows you can buy at Target and stuff! I’m actually still working on them, but maybe they’ll be done by next Christmas so we can all use them at dinner! #craftybitch.

June

June was so much fun!!!!!! I went on so many dates with Trayvon and we were both in love so we decided to MOVE IN TOGETHER!!! Yay! He really, really wanted to, and thought it would be a good time since he was running out of money and was going to be evicted from his old place. I said it was fate bringing us closer! He moved in and I cooked him dinner every night and I did his laundry and I drove him out to different events and festivals and bought him all the things he could ever ever want. He’s so appreciative! Once, he even told me he LOVED me!!! Ahhhh! I knew in a few months I’d be getting a ring on my finger, if you know what I mean. I also crashed my car this month, and broke my wrist carrying an overloaded shopping basket at work, but it’s okay because there was so much good that I didn’t care! Holla!!

July

I had a small bout of bulimia during July. That’s where you throw up a lot. One morning, while I was showering, Trayvon hopped in and told me that he was going to move out. I asked him why. He shrugged and asked me to pass the shampoo. I asked him if we could still see each other, and he said yeah, that he was just MOVING DOWN THE HALL WITH MY JACKASS NEIGHBOR WHO IS A DRUNK AND SMOKES POT AND IS A DRUNK AND IS UGLY AF!!!!!!!!!!! He also smokes pot!! Can you believe that? I was so so mad, I almost shoved his goldfish down the garbage disposal, but I’m such a nice girl that I didn’t do that and instead I cried while he packed his stuff and begged him not to leave and stuff. He left anyways, so I threw up in sadness for several weeks and then realized, Meg-han, that’s not a good thing to do. So I took up drinking instead. Mom is very mad about that. *cue hand gesture* She says, “Meghan, I disown you and all you do, you little whore!”  *cue finger-pointing* but it’s okay because guess what? I HAVEN’T GOTTEN A DUI YET!!! So HAAAA. #iamtoteswinningbitches.

August

In August, I decided to put myself out there and use my smart phone the way Good Lord intended it to be used for: ONLINE DATING and hookups!! I chatted with so many nice guys! They were all super close to me and nice and a lot of them were really, really hot. I guess it wasn’t meant to be though, cause I’d like tried to go on more dates with them, but they were all just super-duper busy, and when I tried to add them on Facebook, I didn’t get any replies.

September

This month was a blur.  At one point, I thought I was pregnant, but it just turned out to be an STD. PHEW!!

October

I met someone this month who was really cute and hot and funny and I really liked him, but he didn’t want to date me so I went to a coworker’s Halloween party as a stripper to make myself feel validated and stuff.

November

I joined a naughty bingo club this month!! That’s where you play normal bingo, but with young and hot people at a bar and the winner doesn’t get cash they get sex toys! I almost won so many times with a good bingo, but it’s okay because one night, the Emcee asked if anyone was wearing blue underwear, and if they were, to show them and I was like, “I have blue underwear!” and he said, “Prove it!” so I pulled down my pants and won a set of fuzzy handcuffs. Too bad I didn’t have anyone to use them on. #singlereadytomiglebitches.  Since this is the month to be thankful, I decided to not let it get to me and instead focus on the positives, like getting to spend time with my family for Thanksgiving and stuff. I wanted really badly to have Thanksgiving with my family, but everyone was all super busy having their own Thanksgiving so I stayed at the apartment and cooked a Thanksgiving meal with my cat. I burnt it, but it’s okay cause it tasted alright with vodka. I should apply for a cooking show sometime!

December

December isn’t quite over yet, but I have HUGE news! I have been elected Chairwoman of the Kansas Knitters Club!! I can’t wait to lead our team to victory in the next Knitters Clubs of Kansas Local Challenge coming up in 2016!  I hear they are going to ask us to knit—wait for it—SCARVES!!! Ahh, I can’t wait! I def will win that competition! Aside from that, nothing much has happened, but I am sure I will find my true love before Christmas. That gives me two weeks. I’m hoping Santa will have him underneath the tree wearing nothing but a bunch of jingle bells around his neck when I wake up on Christmas morning. I can see it now: When I walk down the stairs, he’ll see me and stand up and I’ll see a fat, expensive engagement ring hanging on tip of erection. I’ll get down on my knees to retrieve it, and will show him what a lucky boy he is to have found such an amazing and loving and sexy twenty-five-year-old wo-man like me! It will be SO RO-MAN-TIC!! I get excited just thinking about it. Haha. #naughtybitch #getmecoalandacondomforchristmas.

That’s my year in a nutshell, everyone! I just can’t believe how time flies when you’re hiding from the law and having fun and being drunk and alone! I know I’ve been really distant with you all and stuff, but one of my New Year’s resolutions is to be more sociable with the people I care about: YOU! That, and make a few babies, if ya know what I mean. Haha.

See you in the New Yearrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!!!!!!! J

**Hugs**

~Meghan

PS: I def lost my voice re-reading this letter over and over and over, so you should get me a cough drop, and a round of applause. #hahaiamsofunnyiamajokesterforreals.