Hello From the Other Side

Hello.

It’s me. Yeah, I bet you didn’t think you’d be hearing from me again, especially after how things ended. But listen here, good sir, I’m not some super-villain you can vanquish with a death ray or a minion! No, I am a woman scorned, and I shall do everything in my power to destroy you! Megatron has NOTHING on me! I can set fire to the rain!

If I tell the world, I’ll never say enough. I despise you, good sir! You’re despicable!

You have me rollin’ in the deep, deep abyss of my daughter’s ever-flowing tears. Because of that, I swear, the sky will fall down upon you, and all you love. You refused to return my 99 phone calls, and that restraining order may hinder me from showing up within five hundred feet of the ticket kiosks—though I would love to turn up out of the blue uninvited—but I will not stop until you are squashed like the Voldemort you are!

Bless your soul, good sir! You’ve got your head in the clouds. But don’t worry; I’m going to bring you down.

You are employed as top-ranking security personnel for a superhero themed amusement park. Guess what?  During our family vacation there, I was most certainly not amused. We were having the time of our lives, basking in the glory of the summer haze.

Then, it happened. Someone, as disgusting and immoral as you, pilfered my daughter’s very fancy camera. She bought it at Walmart with her babysitting money and a coupon! You don’t know how bittersweet this now tastes. It’s like an overpriced ham from the Honey Baked Ham Store!

Someone, rescue me from this nightmare! I’m a damsel in distress, and no one seems to care!

Yeah, I get it, the hot dogs are overpriced and the wait time to ride the Alien Attack thing was over two hours long because it’s popular, but that’s not what I’m upset over. What I didn’t find amusing was this grand theme park employed you, a middle-aged, balding overweight piece of trash to manage the safety and security of park visitors.

You are no hero, good sir! You are an anti-hero, a villain in every sense of the word! Pick a villain, any villain. You are TEN times as evil as that villain you just picked. Now, don’t you feel bad?

My hands, they’re strong, but my knees are weak because of arthritis, which is why I couldn’t chase after the thief who kidnapped the last shred of fun my family was having. You are a security guard; you should’ve aided us! Been the superhero we were counting on to save the day! Instead, you gorged yourself on a ham sandwich from the Honey Baked Ham Store in a control room Batman would mock as a broom closet with a ten-inch monitor! I get it. You can’t fly, and you don’t have a shield like Captain America that you could throw at the man running past the Superwoman signing autographs by the park bench, but you could’ve at least hopped on your silly moped and pretended it was the Batmobile!

It matters how this ends. You will apologize for not protecting and serving; and you will reimburse us the $49.99 we spent on the camera. You will also help us recreate all the special moments we lost when the camera and memory card were stolen. I, of course, will pay for you to participate, and buy you lunch, because I’m no wicked witch or villain, like you, good sir.

If I’m wrong, I’m right; I am always right. What you did—or rather, what you didn’t do, was wrong, good sir! You are a self-serving hypocrite, “protecting and serving” only what belongs to you! Who has video surveillance that only focuses on the cash registers of souvenir shops where you can buy Superman capes and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle headbands? We live in an age where the NSA is tracking phone calls, and you can’t even track the movement of a camera thief on your park grounds?

Now that that’s all settled, I’ve attached a park pass to the back of this letter, as well as my contact information, which I’m sure you already have on hand. There’s also $750 dollars in cash you can use to buy lunch and snacks and souvenirs with my daughter. Since I am banned from the park, you shall be required to step in a surrogate mother. I’ll be watching from the other side. Do me proud, good sir, because I can’t stand to see my daughter hurt again. Be the superhero I know in your heart you can be.

Until we meet again, goodbye.

Sincerely,

Agatha May Jeremy, Mother of Annalise June Jeremy