Brandon Figliolino
January 25th, 2016
Valentine’s Day
I
have a lot of disdain for Valentine’s Day, and it’s not because I’m an eligible
bachelor, and have been for a long, long time because I’m a narcissist and undateable.
No, I have an aversion for V-Day because, at its essence, it’s a greeting card
holiday. It’s a time where you express your love to your significant other with
expensive, affectionate gifts of chocolate, candies, flowers, followed by sex. In
my cynical opinion, if you need a holiday to show someone you love them, you’re
not in a healthy relationship. Just sayin’.
Because I dislike this “holiday,”
last year, a good friend of mine and I decided to rebel in a very “hipster”
sort of fashion against everyone who would be spending Valentine’s Day eating
at fancy restaurants and licking whipped cream off their significant other’s stomachs
before bedtime. We decided to host an
“Anti-Valentine’s Day Party.” It was going to be the crux of the dopey month
that is known as February! We’d have red and pink balloons that we’d prick with
needles. Pop! Pop! Pop! There’d be
barbeque chicken that we’d eat with our hands, and then, to finish off the day,
we’d all sit in the hot tub and mock the couples making out in the cabanas on
the other side of the courtyard. Mix in a few alcoholic beverages and some
breakup songs, and we’d have a party unlike any other, or at least, so we
thought at the time. It was going to be epic!
Except, no one RSVP’d to the
party. They all had dates.
That was disappointing.
Our large party became a party of
two. “Haha,” I said, “Now it’s like we’re on a date, for Valentine’s Day, with each other! How ironic.”
My friend rolled his eyes and
shoved me onto the sofa.
“Did you get balloons?” he asked.
“No.”
There was silence.
“Do you have chicken to barbeque?”
I inquired.
“No.”
“Well, I guess we should think of
something to do; besides hold hands and make out.”
Decide we did! We made our way
downtown to the movie theatre, where we bought two tickets for Fifty Shades of Grey. We watched that
bland, unoriginal film about a girl who is terrible at writing, terrible at
dating, and terrible at being a person overall, inside an empty theatre because
no one actually wanted to watch that movie on Valentine’s Day, or at all. Once
the movie was finished, we went to the store, grabbed some chicken, and continued
our Anti-Valentine’s Day party at the apartment. Even though it was just the
two of us, it was still an enjoyable time. We simply ignored all the couples
making out beside us while we listened to Taylor Swift in the hot tub.
Looking back, having an
Anti-Valentine’s Day party only makes me seem like a bitter and resentful
person, even though I am most definitely not,
in most instances. A few weeks
ago, I began conjuring up some ideas for what I could do this year for
Valentine’s Day that would be exhilarating and helpful to those around me. I
don’t have a date, and I don’t have a Fifty
Shades of Grey sequel I could mock until I get escorted out of the theatre.
I had very few ideas. Then, a “suggested” ad appeared on Facebook that was perfect. I clicked the link, paid my
dues, and began preparations.
I
hate Valentine’s Day, but this year, instead of drinking alone and venting
about the reasons I think it shouldn’t be a holiday, or meeting up with someone
on E-Harmoney, I’m going to do some good in my community.
I’m stripping to my underwear and
running several city blocks in the heart of downtown Denver.
Boy, did this story take a
dramatic turn or what?
That’s right, ladies and
gentlemen, if you’ve ever been curious about what I look like naked (don’t deny
it), you’ll get the chance on February 20th (which is technically after
Valentine’s Day, but who cares?) as I participate in the Denver Cupid’s Undie
Run.
It’s not often I take my clothes
off in public, but when I do, it’s not because I’m drunk or stoned. It’s because I am raising money for the
Children’s Tumor Foundation. I, along with hundreds of other exhibitionists,
will strip down and run around downtown in order to raise money to help kids
with serious illnesses. Afterwards,
we’ll celebrate our run and fundraising with beer and wings—in our underwear.
That sounds pretty exhilarating,
doesn’t it?
I’m not really sure which pair of
underwear I’ll don for the race, but I can guarantee I’ll be bringing sexy back.
I want something that will look cute and fun, but not detract from all the hard
work I’ve done on my chest (thanks, Crossfit!) I’m thinking I’ll wear a pair of
boxer briefs that are rainbow colored; they’ll draw attention, for sure. While
I could undoubtedly get some numbers and some whistles, anything skimpier than
boxer briefs would become a detriment towards my future career in public
service. I’d also be cold running in a jockstrap. Boxer briefs it is! Maybe I
can even paint a rainbow across my chest, so if I see someone attractive, I can
say, “Hey, baby. You’ve made it to the end of the rainbow, and I’m your prize.”
Of course, I’d never say anything
like that. I’d say something like, “Look at this pot of
gold!” as I wiggle wiggle wiggle. BAM!
So, I ask you, does stripping
down to your underwear to run one mile and then party afterwards sound like a
blast? Of course it does! Come join the cause! I would love to run in a group
with you crazy ladies and gentlemen. You can join the race by clicking on the
link at the bottom of this article. We can even carpool together. What could be better than that?
If you’re not as braggadocio as myself, or
don’t own underwear, you can make a monetary donation to my campaign, which
would be much appreciated. I’m hoping to raise $50.00 by the race, and as an
incentive, if I achieve that, I’ll post pictures of me at the race on Facebook,
until they get taken down by a prude whose jealous of my slender physique. If I
don’t raise that amount, I guess you’ll just have to try and find me on the
numerous dating apps from the Google Play Store to see if I posted the pictures
there to attract attention to myself.
Last Valentine’s Day, I wasn’t a
contributing member of society. I was self-serving, gorging myself upon
delicious chicken wings while making sex jokes in a hot tub with a man. This year, I’m putting myself to good use,
running to raise awareness for an admirable cause. If you don’t have any plans
for Saturday, February 20th, I hope you’ll join me.
DONATE AND JOIN TODAY: https://my.cupids.org/BrandonFigliolino
