Thomas Xavier

Brandon Figliolino

Thomas Xavier

January 14, 2016

               For entertainment, I sometimes will download GRE, SAT, and other collegiate-level test practice applications to my smartphone. I go through different sections, answering questions; filling in blanks and selecting multiple choice options. Most of the time, I’m right—except for the questions on mathematics, which I pretend don’t matter as much as the ones that ask about literary time periods or nineteenth century artwork.

               During my lunch hour today, I was answering some questions on an app, when one in particular caught my attention. It was a “which of the following can be inferred from the passage” question. These are my favorite type of questions! I was ecstatic. The passage detailed the use of pseudonyms by female authors, explaining the reasoning for doing so, and the ramifications of it. I selected my answer. It was correct. Score a point for Brandon! Those are the questions I like, as opposed to those that ask for equations and calculations. Who needs to know the average speed of a bus going along a stretch of highway at night? I don’t, but that’s mostly because the bus service in my area is lacking, so I don’t use the bus as a means of transportation.

               This passage about pseudonyms got me thinking about the brief time in my life where I decided to write under a pseudonym. After reading some works by J.K. Rowling and Lemony Snicket, I thought it would be interesting to present my writing through an “alter-ego” of sorts. However, since I was in high school at the time, I mostly just thought it’d be cool.

               The name I selected perfectly encapsulated my writing: Thomas Xavier. I chose Thomas, seeing as that it was my middle name. When I was younger, I thought Thomas was a better fit for my zodiac sign. Plus, it allowed more flexibility when it came to nicknames. Tommy, Tom, Tommyboy. There were so many choices. How many nicknames can you get out of Brandon? None.

 Because my last name is practically impossible to pronounce correctly, I decided to ditch it. I selected Xavier because it was the last name of the Patron Saint of Writing, Francis Xavier. When I was younger, I memorized his novena, and to this day, I still wear a necklace with his picture and name etched in the metal medallion. Thomas Xavier was born out of a love for myself, and a love for a prolific writer.

On the day I decided to adopt my second persona, I went to my Windows 98 computer, and flipped on the Pacard Bell monitor. After it booted up, I put my purple floppy disk into the drive. I proceeded to change the name Brandon Figliolino to Thomas Xavier on every story and poem. To be honest, I felt like a badass, free to write whatever I wanted without giving anyone the ability to identify me as the writer. I could write the most obscene storylines without being reprimanded by my mom. At the time, I had neglected to think of the instance in which I wrote and submitted a story about a father being impaled by a fence post to my ninth grade honors English course, which happened the week before my decision to take on a pseudonym. I’ll have you know, my teacher LOVED the story, despite the dour ending. I even received extra credit.  

               Therein was the problem, I quickly realized. By hiding behind a pseudonym, my writing was no longer mine. Sure, I’d written it, but any and all credit—had the stories been published—would go to Thomas Xavier, who didn’t happen to exist. Praise and condemnation would go to him as well.

               I’d be left stewing in the aftermath of his glory.

               I’ll be honest; I’m an arrogant and prideful young man. I want people to know that what they read was crafted exclusively by me, Brandon Figliolino, not Thomas Xavier. I want the recognition and notoriety, the fame and the fortune. Mostly, though, I don’t want to hide. Some of my work clearly is offensive (I wrote an undergraduate story about assault), and others are joyous and heartwarming (one was about a wedding; and another, a birthday party). I want appreciation for everything I write, which is why I never actually submitted to journals or magazines under the name Thomas Xavier. It felt wrong. Plus, I didn’t have $10 to satisfy the application fees for submitting writing.

Shortly after I changed all my stories to being authored by Thomas Xavier, I went onto my purple floppy disk and changed the name back on all the stories to Brandon Figliolino. Who cares if someone can’t pronounce my name at the bookstore? Barnes and Noble staff are knowledgeable enough to know a customer saying they want the bestselling novel by Figalolini actually meant to say Figliolino.

So I did it. I pressed the backspace and as fast as Thomas Xavier appeared on the Word Perfect 2000 software, he disappeared. Bye-bye. Once the task was done, I moved everything to flash drives, and pushed my Pacard Bell computer off the roof. Splat.

               Thomas Xavier doesn’t exist. Though, I must say, that is a pretty awesome name for a guy. He sounds pretty dope. If the guy were real, I’d probably have lunch with him sometime. I guess for now, I’ll just have lunch by myself, while trying to solve for the variable x in its relationship to y.