Holiday Letters

                                                                                                                                 December 16^th 2014

Dear Reader,

Christmas is drawing nearer, and one way our company has decided to celebrate the season  is through a “secret Santa gift exchange.” With the amount of money we can spend on each of the three gifts hovering around the $10.00 threshold, I decided that just simply buying something for my secret Santa wasn’t going to be sufficient enough.

That’s why I hand-crafted a letter for each of the gifts I left him/her. But these letters aren’t just bland “Merry Christmas” or “Happy Holiday” letters. You’ll see what I mean shortly.

To protect the privacy of my secret Santa, I have supplanted his/her name with the name of my cat, Quindolyn.

Now, fetch a cup of hot cocoa, enjoy the following three letters, and have a wonderful holiday.

With love,

Brandon Figliolino

FIRST GIFT: A NATURE CALENDAR, WRAPPED IN JUSTIN BIEBER WRAPPING PAPER

                                                                                                                                   December 17, 2014

Dear Quindolyn,

Greetings! I see you have spotted your first Secret Santa gift! Hooray! I know the timing of it is a little delayed (foolish me; I was under the impression the gift-giving was next week). I hope you’ll take a moment to read this brief letter before checking it out.

In Lewis Carroll’s classic novel, Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, the White Rabbit is portrayed as a crazed, disoriented, and quite neurotic fellow—almost as much as the Mad Hatter, in my opinion! He obsesses over time, yet can never seem to arrive at his appointments when they are supposed to take place.

“I’m late, I’m late!” he cries almost every time Alice spots him. I’d hate to have a date with that fellow! Dinner would be cold by the time he got there. Have you ever tried reheating a spaghetti dinner? It’s awful. The sauce dries up and the noodles become tough. I’d rather take my chances getting beheaded by the Queen of Hearts than eat cold spaghetti alone because some rabbit couldn’t figure out how to leave ten minutes early to avoid traffic. How can he always be so late? It’s not like Wonderland is all that big—Alice is bigger than almost everything there, and she’s a child! Maybe the White Rabbit can’t use a compass. But, I digress…

While the White Rabbit has a pocket watch, I believe he’d benefit from a gift like the one behind this letter.

Do you have an idea what is behind the wrapping paper? You’d better check to see if you’re right! Though, this wrapping paper is about as wonderful as the locale of Alice’s adventures, so be gentle opening your gift. If you ask me, that wrapping paper is a gift in and of itself. I’d hang it on the wall, or pass around pieces to your colleagues so everyone can enjoy a piece of the Bieber fever.

Sincerely,

Your Secret Santa 

SECOND GIFT: A CHRISTMAS CACTUS, ALSO WRAPPED IN JUSTIN BIEBER WRAPPING PAPER

                                                                                                                                 December 18^th, 2014

Dear Quindolyn,

It’s the second day of our Secret Santa shenanigans. How exciting! Do you think you know who is behind all this Bieber fever? I’d love to hear your theories.

As I write this letter to you, I can’t help but think of spring. It really is one of my favorite seasons. Sure, winter is beautiful, with all the fresh fallen snow, and the row houses decked out in a Technicolor display of pure Christmas magic. But truthfully, the winter is too cold for me. As the cool kids say, “Ain’t nobody got time for that!” (Being cold, that is).

You may wonder why spring is my favorite season. Well, let me tell you! I’m a bit of a gardener—not a good gardener, mind you—but I like to dabble in peppers, parsley and basil plants after the earth thaws out. Do I yield a lot of fruits for my hard work? No. Though, don’t discredit me just yet! This year, I did grow quite a lot of inedible mushrooms, but that was just because I oversaturated the pot to where that’s all that would grow. Oops.

No, I’m not a decent gardener. I have no “green thumb.” The only body part of mine that’s colored is my “brown nose.” Nope, I could never emulate Jack from the classic beanstalk fable. I doubt I have the patience nor the skill to grow something that could reach higher than the sky. Don’t even think of asking me to climb something like that after it’s fully grown. I certainly don’t have the stamina or strength for such a feat, even if there’s a bunch of gold trinkets at the top. I’ll wait until they put in an elevator, or stairs at the very least.

While the plant sitting before you, delicately wrapped in Justin Bieber’s essence, is most certainly not a beanstalk, I believe with a little love and care, it will mature into something spectacular. Plus, since it’s a species of cactus, it doesn’t need too much water! Hooray for simplicity!

I think the best benefit of this plant, however, isn’t its beauty or its simplistic care instructions. Nope, the best thing about this plant is you’ll never have to worry about a one-eyed giant with a club ever coming down from the top to yell and scream that you took his gold coins or antique brass lamp.

I was definitely looking out for you on that one.

Sincerely,

Secret Santa

P.S. It was my full intention to procure some other type of wrapping paper, such as One Direction, or Jonas Brothers, but for some reason, I couldn’t find any at the store. We’ll have to make due, I suppose. 

THIRD GIFT: A JOURNAL, WRAPPED IN JUSTIN BIEBER WRAPPING PAPER

                                                                                                                                 December 19^th, 2014

Dear Quindolyn,

I like to define myself as someone who is “unconventional,” in this case meaning I don’t listen to instructions. You see, this is the final gift you’ll be receiving from me this year—aside from my regular office presence, which really isn’t much of a gift as it is a burden at times. Of course, we’re supposed to have the “big reveal” on Monday at the Christmas/Hanukah/Holiday Party, but that just isn’t my style.

See, I don’t want to ruin the revelation. It sounds so droll for me to walk into the office, hand this to you and say, “Surprise! It was me all along!” (Cue the jazz hands)! 

I’m a bit like the Grinch from Dr. Seuss’ children’s book: I want to leave you guessing until the very end. I want you to think about this gift all (or at least, part) of the weekend, wondering who could have given you such a gift? Is the person male? Female? Married? Single? Old? Young? Who, who, who (get it?) could have done such a thing for me?”

As the Grinch says, with a smirk on his face and hands in the air, “Oh, the humanity!”

Now, my second letter to you was a bit long, I’ll admit, but that’s because I’ve really enjoyed writing to you. I feel like Charlie from Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower. In the novel, he writes letters to his friend. He talks about life, divulging his personality through words. I’d like to think I’m doing that here, you know?

Do you write, Quindolyn? I love it. Fiction, nonfiction, poetry, and everything in-between is fair game with me! Though, I haven’t done much letter writing or erotica in my life, but that’s because the art of letter-writing is dead, and well, let’s not talk about the second one.

With this final gift, I hope you’ll find yourself in writing. You can use this gift to compile thoughts, dreams, stories, or even songs! J.K Rowling wrote her first Harry Potter novel on napkins in a café. Justin Bieber wrote the lyrics to his famous, “Baby, Baby, All Night” song on the back of a failed math test. Think of all the further greatness those two could’ve achieved if they’d have had the proper tools to document their thoughts. It’s crazy!

In case you aren’t into writing songs, stories, or poems, at the very least, you can use this gift to write grocery lists—though, I hope won’t. You can usually find a sticky note in your desk to write down perishables you need for the family dinner (just don’t invite that rabbit over if you’re planning on making spaghetti).

 Now, without further ado, please set down this letter and open your gift!

Sincerely,

Secret Santa