December 16th 2014
Dear Reader,
Christmas is drawing nearer, and one way our company has
decided to celebrate the season is
through a “secret Santa gift exchange.” With the amount of money we can spend
on each of the three gifts hovering around the $10.00 threshold, I decided that
just simply buying something for my secret Santa wasn’t going to be sufficient
enough.
That’s why I hand-crafted a letter for each of the gifts I
left him/her. But these letters aren’t just bland “Merry Christmas” or “Happy
Holiday” letters. You’ll see what I mean shortly.
To protect the privacy of my secret Santa, I have supplanted
his/her name with the name of my cat, Quindolyn.
Now, fetch a cup of hot cocoa, enjoy the following three
letters, and have a wonderful holiday.
With love,
Brandon Figliolino
FIRST GIFT: A NATURE CALENDAR, WRAPPED IN JUSTIN BIEBER WRAPPING PAPER
December
17, 2014
Dear Quindolyn,
Greetings! I see you have spotted your first Secret Santa gift! Hooray! I know
the timing of it is a little delayed (foolish me; I was under the impression
the gift-giving was next week). I hope you’ll take a moment to read this brief
letter before checking it out.
In Lewis Carroll’s classic novel,
Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, the
White Rabbit is portrayed as a crazed, disoriented, and quite neurotic
fellow—almost as much as the Mad Hatter, in my opinion! He obsesses over time,
yet can never seem to arrive at his appointments when they are supposed to take
place.
“I’m late, I’m late!” he cries
almost every time Alice spots him. I’d hate to have a date with that fellow!
Dinner would be cold by the time he got there. Have you ever tried reheating a
spaghetti dinner? It’s awful. The
sauce dries up and the noodles become tough. I’d rather take my chances getting
beheaded by the Queen of Hearts than eat cold spaghetti alone because some
rabbit couldn’t figure out how to leave ten minutes early to avoid traffic. How
can he always be so late? It’s not like Wonderland is all that big—Alice is
bigger than almost everything there, and she’s a child! Maybe the White Rabbit can’t use a compass. But, I digress…
While the White Rabbit has a
pocket watch, I believe he’d benefit from a gift like the one behind this
letter.
Do you have an idea what is
behind the wrapping paper? You’d better check to see if you’re right! Though,
this wrapping paper is about as wonderful as the locale of Alice’s adventures,
so be gentle opening your gift. If you ask me, that wrapping paper is a gift in
and of itself. I’d hang it on the wall, or pass around pieces to your
colleagues so everyone can enjoy a
piece of the Bieber fever.
Sincerely,
Your Secret Santa
SECOND GIFT: A CHRISTMAS CACTUS, ALSO WRAPPED IN JUSTIN BIEBER WRAPPING PAPER
December 18th,
2014
Dear Quindolyn,
It’s the second day of our Secret Santa shenanigans. How
exciting! Do you think you know who is behind all this Bieber fever? I’d love
to hear your theories.
As I write this letter to you, I
can’t help but think of spring. It really is one of my favorite seasons. Sure,
winter is beautiful, with all the fresh fallen snow, and the row houses decked
out in a Technicolor display of pure Christmas magic. But truthfully, the
winter is too cold for me. As the cool kids say, “Ain’t nobody got time for
that!” (Being cold, that is).
You may wonder why spring is my
favorite season. Well, let me tell you! I’m a bit of a gardener—not a good gardener, mind you—but I like to
dabble in peppers, parsley and basil plants after the earth thaws out. Do I
yield a lot of fruits for my hard work? No. Though, don’t discredit me just
yet! This year, I did grow quite a lot of inedible mushrooms, but that was just
because I oversaturated the pot to where that’s all that would grow. Oops.
No, I’m not a decent gardener. I
have no “green thumb.” The only body part of mine that’s colored is my “brown
nose.” Nope, I could never emulate Jack from the classic beanstalk fable. I
doubt I have the patience nor the skill to grow something that could reach higher
than the sky. Don’t even think of asking me to climb something like that after it’s fully grown. I certainly don’t
have the stamina or strength for such a feat, even if there’s a bunch of gold
trinkets at the top. I’ll wait until they put in an elevator, or stairs at the very
least.
While the plant sitting before
you, delicately wrapped in Justin Bieber’s essence, is most certainly not a
beanstalk, I believe with a little love and care, it will mature into something
spectacular. Plus, since it’s a species of cactus, it doesn’t need too much
water! Hooray for simplicity!
I think the best benefit of this
plant, however, isn’t its beauty or its simplistic care instructions. Nope, the
best thing about this plant is you’ll never have to worry about a one-eyed
giant with a club ever coming down from the top to yell and scream that you
took his gold coins or antique brass lamp.
I was definitely looking out for you on that one.
Sincerely,
Secret Santa
P.S. It was my full intention to procure
some other type of wrapping paper, such as One Direction, or Jonas Brothers,
but for some reason, I couldn’t find any at the store. We’ll have to make due,
I suppose.
THIRD GIFT: A JOURNAL, WRAPPED IN JUSTIN BIEBER WRAPPING PAPER
December
19th, 2014
Dear Quindolyn,
I like to define myself as someone
who is “unconventional,” in this case meaning I don’t listen to instructions.
You see, this is the final gift you’ll be receiving from me this year—aside from
my regular office presence, which really isn’t much of a gift as it is a burden at times. Of course, we’re supposed to have the “big reveal” on Monday
at the Christmas/Hanukah/Holiday Party, but that just isn’t my style.
See, I don’t want to ruin the revelation.
It sounds so droll for me to walk into the office, hand this to you and say, “Surprise!
It was me all along!” (Cue the jazz hands)!
I’m a bit like the Grinch from
Dr. Seuss’ children’s book: I want to leave you guessing until the very end. I
want you to think about this gift all (or
at least, part) of the weekend, wondering who could have given you such a gift?
Is the person male? Female? Married? Single? Old? Young? Who, who, who (get
it?) could have done such a thing for me?”
As the Grinch says, with a smirk
on his face and hands in the air, “Oh,
the humanity!”
Now, my second letter to you was
a bit long, I’ll admit, but that’s because I’ve really enjoyed writing to you.
I feel like Charlie from Chbosky’s The
Perks of Being a Wallflower. In the novel, he writes letters to his friend.
He talks about life, divulging his personality through words. I’d like to think
I’m doing that here, you know?
Do you write, Quindolyn? I love it.
Fiction, nonfiction, poetry, and everything in-between is fair game with me!
Though, I haven’t done much letter writing or erotica in my life, but that’s
because the art of letter-writing is dead, and well, let’s not talk about the
second one.
With this final gift, I hope you’ll
find yourself in writing. You can use this gift to compile thoughts, dreams, stories,
or even songs! J.K Rowling wrote her first Harry
Potter novel on napkins in a café. Justin Bieber wrote the lyrics to his
famous, “Baby, Baby, All Night” song on the back of a failed math test. Think of
all the further greatness those two
could’ve achieved if they’d have had the proper tools to document their
thoughts. It’s crazy!
In case you aren’t into writing
songs, stories, or poems, at the very least, you can use this gift to write grocery
lists—though, I hope won’t. You can usually find a sticky note in your desk to
write down perishables you need for the family dinner (just don’t invite that
rabbit over if you’re planning on making spaghetti).
Now, without further ado, please set down this
letter and open your gift!
Sincerely,
Secret Santa
